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A girl who smells like Melissa tea…

I am a student who lives now abroad. I am 22 years old, Nagato Ayaki. When the incident happened, I was 21, so it is about one year from that event. I do not know what the future holds, but I hope she will reach my message, because this is the last one…. Until I disappear.
Still, one year passed, but it looks like my wounds are still open. I know that to that person I am just a shadow from the past, who cannot reach her heart.
Once, when we lived in one town, we were really good friends. Best friends…. It looked like we added value to each other. She was the creative artist and I was the crazy one, whose head was full of ideas. Even the teachers knew that we are like one good duo.
I remember when she asked me:
– Ayaki-chan, how can you be with me?
– Simple, because I do not care about the others what they think or not, I enjoy spending my time with you, because you are my best friend.
But life goes really fast… the time has come to choose where we will study. She decided to go to the capital in the art academy and I decided to go abroad. This is the point where our worlds start to split.
Even now I can see clearly that scene where we sit in the hall of our gymnasium and one teacher comes and asks us:
– Will you be able to be so far away from each other?
– Sure, there is nothing possible, – I said quickly.
But that day was vatic. It hurts my heart now, when I think about it. But I guess that was a sign which I could not read back then.
The day has come for me to leave the country. I actually did not think it would be that hard, but I was wrong… I was thinking what it would be like if I would have chosen my country, how my life would look like, how I would have changed, what kind of person I would be, what if……
Even now, these questions always bump into my head and ask for answers, but to be honest, I do not know them and I even do not know if I will be able to answer them someday…
First year, when I came back, everything looked like the same, well at least kind of… I wanted to tell my friends that I love them so much, so I called them for Christmas dinner where I read my “A letter to friends”, where I put all my heart into it and in the end I was hardly able to finish it, because I fell in tears… she hugged me. I was happy. It looked like all the pieces of life are put together…
So, the days passed. Everything seemed ok. The next Christmas came, we changed our presents. Then I got something special from her- a cross pendant, which I cherish it until now. And I gave to my five friends and including her for a present a part of one thing made out of six pieces. Actually, that was not so well made or something. I am really bad with hand crafts. But I wanted to deliver the meaning, that it does not matter, where we are, we are united. At least that was what I thought…
I guess I was just dreaming… good dreams come to an end really fast.
On that day, when the parts started to fall apart, we were chatting via Internet. Somehow we argued. She seemed like a totally other person. And her argument for abandoning me was: how can you say I am THE BEST friend, I do not have friends…
I felt as something sharp got into my heart. That sharp thing just crossed it and did not want to stop… the most embarrassing part was that I had to get out of my room and to finish the cleaning, while my roommates did not get mad that I stopped cleaning the apartment.
I started to cry and that damned moment was when one of the roommates went in the room to ask me something and I was trying to cover it, like nothing had happened, but I could not. I hate when people see me crying, so I just pretend that something got into my eye or come up with another explanation. But then… the situation was different. It looked so ironic, though. I am cleaning and crying. When my roommate asked something, I hardly opened my mouth and said just a few words and then ended the sentence. I finished everything quickly. Went to my room and tried to cheer up myself, said to myself not to cry, but the tears did not listen to me. I started to cry much more. I was so weak back then, but come to think of it, I am weak now, as well. But weakness can be interpreted as a part of strength, I guess…
When I finally came back to the Motherland, I wanted to meet her, but I was afraid that I can say lots of bad words, start crying or screaming in the middle of the town. So, I met with one of my friends and asked if she could give her a letter which I have written to her. Because I knew that I am not ready to face her, no, not yet.
First, I wanted to know, maybe really I did something, but if she does not answer me, how can I know if it is my fault or not?? I was lacking of answers. When I told that friend about this situation, I could not control myself and started to cry. I hated myself for that. I hate when people see me crying…..
Deep down I knew she will not answer me and I was right. Then I met another friend, whom I gave the other letter… a goodbye letter, but actually I did not want that this letter would be the last one or that it would be like a cross line, which indicates that this is the very end of our friendship. I was hoping for a miracle, that I can reach her inner world, her thoughts and heart…
After that nothing has changed, as well. I am disappearing in her mind and becoming just a silhouette from the past which is not so important, which can be forgotten… but still, for me she smells like Melissa tea, because she was the one, who introduced me to this tea and from that time I always buy it. Even now, I have lots of Melissa tea. When I am depressed or crying or had a bad day, I always drink this tea. It reminds me of you and our good memories, which I will never forget, due to they were, are and will be precious to me…

Even though, I do not know if this message will reach her, but I guess, I will never know until I try and we never know what the future holds for us,- and then I fell asleep while drinking Melissa tea.

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